Shepherding The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

What is the difference between healthy conflict and unhealthy conflict?

In a healthy relationship, two partners are working to solve the problem.
In an unhealthy relationship, both partners are working to WIN (at all costs)!

This wisdom came from a webinar I attended this week called "Shepherding the Emotionally Destructive Marriage", hosted by RBC Ministries. The two guests were Leslie Vernick a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of the book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage and Pastor Chris Moles, a certified batterer intervention group facilitator.
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These two experts were discussing the role of church leaders in counseling couples who are involved in emotionally destructive relationships.

Typically, because of a desire to "look spiritual" or a misinterpretation of New Testament passages on submission to authority, church leaders encourage shallow and counterproductive approaches conflict resolution in these serious situations. Even when the couple does receive counseling, church leaders often encourage the abused partner to "reconcile" far too quickly, thus encouraging the abusive partner to think that his or her behavior is "not all that bad" or even "just fine".

Change is painful and it takes time, according to these two experts. Typically, abusive spouses can be very charming to the outside world while being very destructive within the home. The abuser can use these charms to deceive church leaders into thinking that the real problem lies with the abused spouse, who "just acts crazy".

But, as Vernick pointed out, daily abuse can "erode a person's self confidence" to the point that they can act kind of "crazy", or different than they would act if they were being treated with respect. Acting "crazy" can be one of the effects of "having your personhood squashed day in and day out" by an emotionally abusive spouse, she said.

When church leaders insist that a couple "reconcile" too quickly, before any real change has had time to occur in the abusive spouse, the abused spouse is being asked (by the church) to "pretend and lie", says Vernick.

"And, as your grandma always said, 'A half truth is a whole lie'," Moles said, explaining why such "quick-and-easy reconciliation" can really be nothing more than "living a lie".

While church leaders must value the institution of marriage, they must also value "the safety and sanity of the people in the marriage", the experts pointed out.

It is possible for the members of a church small group to hold an abusive spouse accountable for his or her behavior. It is okay to let the abusive spouse know that small group members are "on call" 24/7 for the abused spouse. This sort of accountability brings abuse from the darkness, where it can hide, to the light, where it must be exposed for the lie that it is.

Taking such a stance for truth and dignity of the human spirit is bold for church leaders. It means taking the risk of looking "imperfect" as a church body, of being willing to expose sin and deal with it in the light, rather than keeping it hidden for the sake of "looking good".

For more information of this topic, go to www.rbc.org/topics/abuse.

--Posted by Mama O.