The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

I sat in on a truly eye-opening webinar this week called "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage" based on the book by the same title. The book's author, Leslie Vernick, and Pastor Chris Moles, a certified batterer intervention group facilitator, shared "insights into recognizing behaviors that can lead married couples beyond the bounds of a nourishing relationship," according to the webinar's host, RBC Ministries.

This is very heavy material and these two experts handled it with the utmost respect, avoiding the "pat" answers and shallow observations that can create more problems for an abusive relationship.

I will share a few of those insights here:

"The Definition of an Emotionally Destructive Marriage: An emotionally destructive marriage is one where one's personhood, dignity, and freedom of choice is regularly denied, criticized, or crushed. This can be done through words, behaviors, economics, attitudes, and misusing the Scriptures."

"An abusive relationship is one in which one partner regularly feels: Dominated, Demeaned, Degraded, Deceived or Dismissed."

"Abuse leaves one partner without a voice in the relationship. In other words: 'Can that person express an opinion without paying a heavy emotional price?'"

There is a difference between an abusive relationship and one that is disappointing or difficult.

A disappointing relationship is one where the partner is not all that you expected or hoped them to be. Maybe they are not as ambitious as you'd hoped, or as neat as you'd hoped, or as romantic as you'd hoped. That's disappointing.

A difficult relationship is one which has serious stressors putting pressure on the relationship. Perhaps there is a really difficult in-law situation, or children with special needs, family members who have mental illness or addiction issues, or long-term unemployment. These make a relationship difficult.

It is not helpful or Christlike to keep abuse hidden, even for the sake of "keeping a family together". Scriptures instruct us to "not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them." (Ephesians 5:11). As long as an abuser's deeds remain hidden, he had no motivation or reason to change. Helping hide abusive behavior is a way of "participating in the abuser's dark deeds" or, in other words, being an enabler.

Love acts in the best interest of another person. It is never in another person's best interest to help hide serious sin in their life. That would be like denying cancer in the physical world. Denial won't make the cancer go away, but it might encourage the cancer patient to stay away from getting much-needed medical attention!

There was a great deal more excellent information, available at www.rbc.org/topics/abuse. These two will be presenting another webinar, titled "Shepherding the Emotionally Destructive Marriage" on Wednesday, April 2, 2014, at 10 a.m. PST. The webinar is free. You can register at www.rbc.org.

--Posted by Mama O.